The father of a good friend of mine recently passed away. He was only 55 years young. I went to the service to support my friend and remember the time his dad mooned us!! Anyway, during the service the reverend did say one thing that I've been thinking about...We are not mourning for the person who passed away, we are mourning for ourselves.
I have to admit there is some truth to that. Jensen was suffering. I could feel him 'shake' inside of me (seizures?). I've been pregnant before, but when a fetus kicks and it actually hurts there is something wrong. Did I mourn for Jensen then? No, not as much anyway. I held on to hope. I convinced myself that it wasn't as bad as I knew in my heart that it was. No, I mourned for Jensen after he passed away. But not for him...why would I mourn for him when he was no longer suffering? Why would I mourn for the loss of a painful life? I didn't. I mourned for me. I wanted Jensen. I wanted Jared to have a little brother and a best friend. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.
Of course I feel that Jensen was cheated. Life can be amazing and wonderful. But that was out of my control. As much as I would have tried, he would have never had a good life. People try to comfort me and tell me that everything happens for a reason. I even use to say that all the time to people. But I think differently now. I believe that some things happen for no reason at all. They just happen.
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