When this all happened to us I told myself that I wouldn't make this about me. When I went back to work a colleague of mine just had a baby girl. His wife delivered this beautiful, healthy baby. Usually one of the secretaries sends out an email to the entire faculty and staff to make everyone aware of the joyous event. But not this time. They were afraid that I would be upset. The teacher whose room is next to mine and a very good friend of mine told me that the baby was born and the secretaries didn't know what to do. Of course I said, "Send the email. This is great news!" I was not going to be one of the women who turns into a weeping mess whenever someone has a baby. I thought that woman who acted like that were being selfish and just looking for attention.
I have come to realize something in the last few weeks. If my friend Mike hadn't told me ahead of time and I read an announcement email without warning I would have broken down. I get that now.
Friends of ours had a healthy baby girl a few weeks ago. They didn't call to tell us. They didn't send us an announcement. They were afraid they would upset us. We ran into them a few days ago and I don't understand what happened to me. Did you ever come face-to-face with a bear? I haven't either, so I can only imagine what would happend. My heart would beat out of my chest and I'm sure that I would be frozen until I demanded my legs to run. Well, this is how I felt when I saw them. I wanted to smile and say congratulations. I wanted to hold the baby and say how adorable she was. But my body took over. My heart was pounding so hard I could feel the blood running through my veins. And I froze. I had to remind myself to breath and finally smile. Without warning I started to cry. I swallowed the lump in my throat the best that I could so that no one would notice what a basket-case I've become. If my friends ever read this I want to say that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I am unable to celebrate with you. I'm so sorry that you feel you have to hide your baby from me. I'm just so sorry...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Come Again?
Once in a while someone will ask me if we're going to try to have children again. Others even encourage it. Mostly it's people that don't have children. I cannot tell you how insensitive this is. I know that everyone is thinking it, but to say it to my face. I wish there were more people that understood what my mom does - you don't have to say anything to support me, just to sit quietly and be there is all I need sometimes.
Here's a list of things not to say to a grieving mother:
1) You can always have more children (as if they are house plants)
2) Everything happens for a reason. (So there's a good reason that my child died?)
3) God doesn't give you more than you can handle. (I have seen people break from the bad luck that has been thrown at them).
4) At least he's not suffering anymore.
5) I know how you feel.
Here is a list of thing you should say to a grieving mother:
1) I am so sorry for your loss.
2) If there's anything I can do, please do not hesitate to ask.
3) You are in our prayers.
4) Take care of yourself.
Here is a list of things you should not do to/for a grieving mother:
1) Do not clean out the baby clothes and toys.
2) Do not send a congratulations card to her.
Here is a list of things you should do for a grieving mother:
1) Send a condolence card.
2) Send flowers if you wish.
3) Add family to prayer list.
4) Give the family their space.
Mostly my complaints are about people who just don't get it. They're older family members who believe that they know everything because they have more experiece in life. Yes, they know a lot more than me about a lot of things, but not everything. A family member of mine never acknowledged what happened to me. She did not send a card, she did not call, she did not attend the service. When I ran into her a few weeks later she said, "I told my husband 'I guess they just needed closure'." Closure, yes. But the service wasn't about closure for me, it was about other people recognizing that he was real. I hope that she never has to understand why her words upset me.
Other family members are taking advantage of the situation. One distant family member worked his way out of jury duty. He told the judge that he was too upset over what happened to me that he wouldn't be able to participate. At the same time my husband and I were both back at work and he was too upset for jury duty. I didn't hear about this through other family members, I heard it from the horse's mouth.
Do you think if I cry hard enough He will take pity on me and give me my son?
Here's a list of things not to say to a grieving mother:
1) You can always have more children (as if they are house plants)
2) Everything happens for a reason. (So there's a good reason that my child died?)
3) God doesn't give you more than you can handle. (I have seen people break from the bad luck that has been thrown at them).
4) At least he's not suffering anymore.
5) I know how you feel.
Here is a list of thing you should say to a grieving mother:
1) I am so sorry for your loss.
2) If there's anything I can do, please do not hesitate to ask.
3) You are in our prayers.
4) Take care of yourself.
Here is a list of things you should not do to/for a grieving mother:
1) Do not clean out the baby clothes and toys.
2) Do not send a congratulations card to her.
Here is a list of things you should do for a grieving mother:
1) Send a condolence card.
2) Send flowers if you wish.
3) Add family to prayer list.
4) Give the family their space.
Mostly my complaints are about people who just don't get it. They're older family members who believe that they know everything because they have more experiece in life. Yes, they know a lot more than me about a lot of things, but not everything. A family member of mine never acknowledged what happened to me. She did not send a card, she did not call, she did not attend the service. When I ran into her a few weeks later she said, "I told my husband 'I guess they just needed closure'." Closure, yes. But the service wasn't about closure for me, it was about other people recognizing that he was real. I hope that she never has to understand why her words upset me.
Other family members are taking advantage of the situation. One distant family member worked his way out of jury duty. He told the judge that he was too upset over what happened to me that he wouldn't be able to participate. At the same time my husband and I were both back at work and he was too upset for jury duty. I didn't hear about this through other family members, I heard it from the horse's mouth.
Do you think if I cry hard enough He will take pity on me and give me my son?
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