So, How Many Children Do You Have?

Isn't that a standard question when you meet another mother? So, how do I answer? Well, I have a few choices and all are awkward.


My answers go something like this...
"I have a 3-year-old boy." - Then I feel guilty becuase I have Brianna too.

So, most often I reply... "I have a 14-year-old step-daughter and a 3-year-old boy." But then I feel guilty again...Do I hurt Brianna when I have to put in the phrase step-daughter. As if she's not as important to me?

I rarely say, "I have 2 children...a 14-year-old girl and a 3-year-old boy." I don't want to hurt Brianna's mom's feelings.

I've never said that I have three children and that is where most of the guilt comes in. I've never heard anyone include a dead child in their count. Could you imagine how the converstation would go?
-So, how many children do you have?
-Oh, I have three.
-How old are they?
-14, 3, and dead.
then another awkward silence filled with pity.

Until I find a better way to answer (if there is one) I will continue to answer the question "I have a 14-year-old step-daughter and a 3-year-old boy".

Who am I Mourning for?

The father of a good friend of mine recently passed away. He was only 55 years young. I went to the service to support my friend and remember the time his dad mooned us!! Anyway, during the service the reverend did say one thing that I've been thinking about...We are not mourning for the person who passed away, we are mourning for ourselves.

I have to admit there is some truth to that. Jensen was suffering. I could feel him 'shake' inside of me (seizures?). I've been pregnant before, but when a fetus kicks and it actually hurts there is something wrong. Did I mourn for Jensen then? No, not as much anyway. I held on to hope. I convinced myself that it wasn't as bad as I knew in my heart that it was. No, I mourned for Jensen after he passed away. But not for him...why would I mourn for him when he was no longer suffering? Why would I mourn for the loss of a painful life? I didn't. I mourned for me. I wanted Jensen. I wanted Jared to have a little brother and a best friend. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.

Of course I feel that Jensen was cheated. Life can be amazing and wonderful. But that was out of my control. As much as I would have tried, he would have never had a good life. People try to comfort me and tell me that everything happens for a reason. I even use to say that all the time to people. But I think differently now. I believe that some things happen for no reason at all. They just happen.