Long Time No See

We survived March. I had a rough week the first week of March, but I wonder if that was more out of obligation or real grief. I mean what kind of mother would I be if I didn't mourn my son on the anniversary of his death?

This past fall my husband and I were ready to try again, and as luck would have it, we got pregnant...and miscarried. And that was that. I literally clapped my hands together like clapping flour from them and walked out of the doctor's office. I then buried myself into books and didn't come out of them until March ended. By then the sun was shining and I forgot that I had even been pregnant.

I wonder what I look like from the outside. I often saw my husband and mother give each other quick glances when I talked about the miscarriage like a fender bender, but I really am okay. I believe that the order of the children is what is helping me survive. Jared gave me the strength I needed to get through last year. Then the miscarriage was nothing...compared to last year. It reminds me of comparing a paper cut to a broken bone. Once you have a broken bone who cares about a paper cut.

Why did I even write this post? Hmmm...I don't know. Would you believe me if I told you that it's cathartic?