When this all happened to us I told myself that I wouldn't make this about me. When I went back to work a colleague of mine just had a baby girl. His wife delivered this beautiful, healthy baby. Usually one of the secretaries sends out an email to the entire faculty and staff to make everyone aware of the joyous event. But not this time. They were afraid that I would be upset. The teacher whose room is next to mine and a very good friend of mine told me that the baby was born and the secretaries didn't know what to do. Of course I said, "Send the email. This is great news!" I was not going to be one of the women who turns into a weeping mess whenever someone has a baby. I thought that woman who acted like that were being selfish and just looking for attention.
I have come to realize something in the last few weeks. If my friend Mike hadn't told me ahead of time and I read an announcement email without warning I would have broken down. I get that now.
Friends of ours had a healthy baby girl a few weeks ago. They didn't call to tell us. They didn't send us an announcement. They were afraid they would upset us. We ran into them a few days ago and I don't understand what happened to me. Did you ever come face-to-face with a bear? I haven't either, so I can only imagine what would happend. My heart would beat out of my chest and I'm sure that I would be frozen until I demanded my legs to run. Well, this is how I felt when I saw them. I wanted to smile and say congratulations. I wanted to hold the baby and say how adorable she was. But my body took over. My heart was pounding so hard I could feel the blood running through my veins. And I froze. I had to remind myself to breath and finally smile. Without warning I started to cry. I swallowed the lump in my throat the best that I could so that no one would notice what a basket-case I've become. If my friends ever read this I want to say that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I am unable to celebrate with you. I'm so sorry that you feel you have to hide your baby from me. I'm just so sorry...
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