So, How Many Children Do You Have?

Isn't that a standard question when you meet another mother? So, how do I answer? Well, I have a few choices and all are awkward.


My answers go something like this...
"I have a 3-year-old boy." - Then I feel guilty becuase I have Brianna too.

So, most often I reply... "I have a 14-year-old step-daughter and a 3-year-old boy." But then I feel guilty again...Do I hurt Brianna when I have to put in the phrase step-daughter. As if she's not as important to me?

I rarely say, "I have 2 children...a 14-year-old girl and a 3-year-old boy." I don't want to hurt Brianna's mom's feelings.

I've never said that I have three children and that is where most of the guilt comes in. I've never heard anyone include a dead child in their count. Could you imagine how the converstation would go?
-So, how many children do you have?
-Oh, I have three.
-How old are they?
-14, 3, and dead.
then another awkward silence filled with pity.

Until I find a better way to answer (if there is one) I will continue to answer the question "I have a 14-year-old step-daughter and a 3-year-old boy".

Who am I Mourning for?

The father of a good friend of mine recently passed away. He was only 55 years young. I went to the service to support my friend and remember the time his dad mooned us!! Anyway, during the service the reverend did say one thing that I've been thinking about...We are not mourning for the person who passed away, we are mourning for ourselves.

I have to admit there is some truth to that. Jensen was suffering. I could feel him 'shake' inside of me (seizures?). I've been pregnant before, but when a fetus kicks and it actually hurts there is something wrong. Did I mourn for Jensen then? No, not as much anyway. I held on to hope. I convinced myself that it wasn't as bad as I knew in my heart that it was. No, I mourned for Jensen after he passed away. But not for him...why would I mourn for him when he was no longer suffering? Why would I mourn for the loss of a painful life? I didn't. I mourned for me. I wanted Jensen. I wanted Jared to have a little brother and a best friend. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.

Of course I feel that Jensen was cheated. Life can be amazing and wonderful. But that was out of my control. As much as I would have tried, he would have never had a good life. People try to comfort me and tell me that everything happens for a reason. I even use to say that all the time to people. But I think differently now. I believe that some things happen for no reason at all. They just happen.

I was having a conversation with someone a few weeks ago and I said something that had nothing to do with Jensen. I can't remember the exact details and they're not important...but anyway, her responce made it obvious that she believed I was talking about him.
I complained to my mom later that night that I didn't want this incident to define who I am. I don't want to be "The Woman Who had a Stillborn". My mom told me not to worry, that in a year no one will think that.
I knew what she meant...no one would remember. It never occured to me that when people start to forget what happened to me then they forget about Jensen. The two things go hand-in-hand.
A few days ago I was having a conversation with a woman and all of a sudden she broke down over the loss of a family member. I am not the greatest at comforting people or accepting comfort for that matter. I didn't stand to give her a hug or anything like that. I thought that if I share my story she might not feel so alone. I didn't know how to introduce the topic so I just blurted it out, "I just lost my baby." She stopped crying and looked right at me. And the pity fell on me again. Damn it! That's not what I wanted. I don't want people's pity...I just want them to remember that Jensen was real. I may have been the only one who ever held him while he was alive or felt him move, but he was real. He IS real.

Jensen's Due Date

Yesterday was my son's due date. I woke up this morning and as I getting ready for work, I realized that I should have been up half the night feeding my son. I should be done working for the school year. But I am going to work and I did sleep through the night.
I know that the end of this blog should have happened two entries ago. In a way I feel that once all the steps are taken and done and over with, he will be forgotten. If I continue to make entries then he's still remembered. New people find my blog everyday and read his story.
We buried Jensen yesterday. It was a small gathering - just immediate family. There were no words spoken. My husband and I knelt on the ground and placed him in the plot. I couldn't cry. The tears just wouldn't come. I was too angry.

Thank You

I believe that Friday's memorial service for Jensen was another important step in the whole healing process. I initially didn't want to go. I was crying in the corner of our bedroom when my husband found me. He told me what I already knew...I had to go. We had to say goodbye.

Although I'm not 100 percent, and maybe I never will be, I do feel better. There were so many friends and family at the service and so many more that just weren't able to be there in person. We want to at least say thank you to all of the blog readers who have been so supportive throughout the whole process. Thank you.

Our Baby

Jensen passed away early sometime this week. I delivered him on Thursday, March 6th. My husband and I were given the opportunity to see and hold our baby son. Jensen has my nose, his father's lips and chin. He has dark hair like his brother. I imagine he has bright blue eyes like Jared and me and a softness like his dad's.
In the 7 short months that I carried Jensen, I learned more about love, forgiveness, faith, and letting go than I have the other 29 years of my life.

Read Monday's TIMES NEWS for memorial service information.

Visit to CHOP

Yesterday we went to CHOP and had three tests: the fetal MRI, an ultrasound, and a fetal echocardiogram. A consultation was held with the doctor at the end of the day.

There are three areas of Jensen's brain that did not develop correctly.

1. the corpus callosum - the connection between the left and right sides of his brain did not develop at all.
2. cerebellum - his cerebellum has a hole (for lack of a better word) in it. They believe this was caused by bleeding in the brain early in pregnancy.
3. The right hemisphere of his brain did not develop correctly either. Jensen developed an Arachnoid Cyst that is putting pressure on the right side of his brain and growing.

I can't remember everything that I was told yesterday and what I do remember I'm not entirely sure it's accurate. But here it goes...

When the doctor leads us to the conference room we sit down to a table that is empty except for a box of tisses with "Do NOT remove from this room" written on the side of it. When the doctor places the images of Jensen's brain in front of us and begins to point to certain areas while he explains, he is trembling. He explains about the 3 areas of the brain and I try to listen but I wonder why he's shaking.

The doctor says he can guarantee these things: Jensen will not lead a normal life, he will have seizures, he will have pain, and he will be severly mentally retarted. Also, depending on how long he lives he will be instituionalized because it will be too much to care for him at a home setting.

The maybes: He may never walk, talk, swallow correctly (choking and getting pneumonia often), control his bladder or bowel movements, his brain may bleed again, there are hundereds of maybes.

Please understand that I DO want to hear from my friends and family but it is difficult enough to write this blog. You can call and write emails but I most likely won't reply right away since the information is still so new.

I will post more as I remember....

email: nora.oswald@yahoo.com