Long Time No See

We survived March. I had a rough week the first week of March, but I wonder if that was more out of obligation or real grief. I mean what kind of mother would I be if I didn't mourn my son on the anniversary of his death?

This past fall my husband and I were ready to try again, and as luck would have it, we got pregnant...and miscarried. And that was that. I literally clapped my hands together like clapping flour from them and walked out of the doctor's office. I then buried myself into books and didn't come out of them until March ended. By then the sun was shining and I forgot that I had even been pregnant.

I wonder what I look like from the outside. I often saw my husband and mother give each other quick glances when I talked about the miscarriage like a fender bender, but I really am okay. I believe that the order of the children is what is helping me survive. Jared gave me the strength I needed to get through last year. Then the miscarriage was nothing...compared to last year. It reminds me of comparing a paper cut to a broken bone. Once you have a broken bone who cares about a paper cut.

Why did I even write this post? Hmmm...I don't know. Would you believe me if I told you that it's cathartic?

Jensen's Quilt

This is the quilt that I made for my son - but he is the one who gave it to me. Allow me to explain...

After our second visit to Lehigh Valley, I knew it was bad. With Jared it is just so easy...I kiss it, then it's better. But I couldn't fix Jensen. I couldn't do anything for him. I wasn't able to hold him during his seizures, I couldn't touch his little fingers, nothing. I felt helpless. I wanted to make a quilt for him. My mom and I took a ride over to the quilt store and bought this fabric (okay, my mom bought the fabric. Thanks MOM!!) I went home that day and pieced the whole thing together. I was on some sort of mission. In the back of my head I thought that he couldn't die if I made him a quilt (it made sense at the time). My husband even kept his distance sensing that I needed to do this. The next day I took it back to the quilt store for them to quilt and told them I would like it finished by April as his due date was April 24th.

The last time I felt my son kick was Tuesday, March 4th. It was confirmed that he passed away that day. I delivered him two days later on Thursday. My mother-in-law informed me that the quilt store called on Tuesday (the day he passed away) and left a message that the quilt was finished.

I could try to figure out the probability of the quilt being done on that particular day, or I can believe that my son made sure that I received it just when I needed it. I slept with that quilt around me every night for the first few weeks. Then the weather started to get warmer and I hung it on a quilt rack in my room. But now I let Jared use it. It's comforting to see Jared wrapped up in it.

I'm sorry....

When this all happened to us I told myself that I wouldn't make this about me. When I went back to work a colleague of mine just had a baby girl. His wife delivered this beautiful, healthy baby. Usually one of the secretaries sends out an email to the entire faculty and staff to make everyone aware of the joyous event. But not this time. They were afraid that I would be upset. The teacher whose room is next to mine and a very good friend of mine told me that the baby was born and the secretaries didn't know what to do. Of course I said, "Send the email. This is great news!" I was not going to be one of the women who turns into a weeping mess whenever someone has a baby. I thought that woman who acted like that were being selfish and just looking for attention.
I have come to realize something in the last few weeks. If my friend Mike hadn't told me ahead of time and I read an announcement email without warning I would have broken down. I get that now.
Friends of ours had a healthy baby girl a few weeks ago. They didn't call to tell us. They didn't send us an announcement. They were afraid they would upset us. We ran into them a few days ago and I don't understand what happened to me. Did you ever come face-to-face with a bear? I haven't either, so I can only imagine what would happend. My heart would beat out of my chest and I'm sure that I would be frozen until I demanded my legs to run. Well, this is how I felt when I saw them. I wanted to smile and say congratulations. I wanted to hold the baby and say how adorable she was. But my body took over. My heart was pounding so hard I could feel the blood running through my veins. And I froze. I had to remind myself to breath and finally smile. Without warning I started to cry. I swallowed the lump in my throat the best that I could so that no one would notice what a basket-case I've become. If my friends ever read this I want to say that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I am unable to celebrate with you. I'm so sorry that you feel you have to hide your baby from me. I'm just so sorry...

Come Again?

Once in a while someone will ask me if we're going to try to have children again. Others even encourage it. Mostly it's people that don't have children. I cannot tell you how insensitive this is. I know that everyone is thinking it, but to say it to my face. I wish there were more people that understood what my mom does - you don't have to say anything to support me, just to sit quietly and be there is all I need sometimes.

Here's a list of things not to say to a grieving mother:
1) You can always have more children (as if they are house plants)
2) Everything happens for a reason. (So there's a good reason that my child died?)
3) God doesn't give you more than you can handle. (I have seen people break from the bad luck that has been thrown at them).
4) At least he's not suffering anymore.
5) I know how you feel.

Here is a list of thing you should say to a grieving mother:
1) I am so sorry for your loss.
2) If there's anything I can do, please do not hesitate to ask.
3) You are in our prayers.
4) Take care of yourself.

Here is a list of things you should not do to/for a grieving mother:
1) Do not clean out the baby clothes and toys.
2) Do not send a congratulations card to her.

Here is a list of things you should do for a grieving mother:
1) Send a condolence card.
2) Send flowers if you wish.
3) Add family to prayer list.
4) Give the family their space.


Mostly my complaints are about people who just don't get it. They're older family members who believe that they know everything because they have more experiece in life. Yes, they know a lot more than me about a lot of things, but not everything. A family member of mine never acknowledged what happened to me. She did not send a card, she did not call, she did not attend the service. When I ran into her a few weeks later she said, "I told my husband 'I guess they just needed closure'." Closure, yes. But the service wasn't about closure for me, it was about other people recognizing that he was real. I hope that she never has to understand why her words upset me.

Other family members are taking advantage of the situation. One distant family member worked his way out of jury duty. He told the judge that he was too upset over what happened to me that he wouldn't be able to participate. At the same time my husband and I were both back at work and he was too upset for jury duty. I didn't hear about this through other family members, I heard it from the horse's mouth.

Do you think if I cry hard enough He will take pity on me and give me my son?

So, How Many Children Do You Have?

Isn't that a standard question when you meet another mother? So, how do I answer? Well, I have a few choices and all are awkward.


My answers go something like this...
"I have a 3-year-old boy." - Then I feel guilty becuase I have Brianna too.

So, most often I reply... "I have a 14-year-old step-daughter and a 3-year-old boy." But then I feel guilty again...Do I hurt Brianna when I have to put in the phrase step-daughter. As if she's not as important to me?

I rarely say, "I have 2 children...a 14-year-old girl and a 3-year-old boy." I don't want to hurt Brianna's mom's feelings.

I've never said that I have three children and that is where most of the guilt comes in. I've never heard anyone include a dead child in their count. Could you imagine how the converstation would go?
-So, how many children do you have?
-Oh, I have three.
-How old are they?
-14, 3, and dead.
then another awkward silence filled with pity.

Until I find a better way to answer (if there is one) I will continue to answer the question "I have a 14-year-old step-daughter and a 3-year-old boy".

Who am I Mourning for?

The father of a good friend of mine recently passed away. He was only 55 years young. I went to the service to support my friend and remember the time his dad mooned us!! Anyway, during the service the reverend did say one thing that I've been thinking about...We are not mourning for the person who passed away, we are mourning for ourselves.

I have to admit there is some truth to that. Jensen was suffering. I could feel him 'shake' inside of me (seizures?). I've been pregnant before, but when a fetus kicks and it actually hurts there is something wrong. Did I mourn for Jensen then? No, not as much anyway. I held on to hope. I convinced myself that it wasn't as bad as I knew in my heart that it was. No, I mourned for Jensen after he passed away. But not for him...why would I mourn for him when he was no longer suffering? Why would I mourn for the loss of a painful life? I didn't. I mourned for me. I wanted Jensen. I wanted Jared to have a little brother and a best friend. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.

Of course I feel that Jensen was cheated. Life can be amazing and wonderful. But that was out of my control. As much as I would have tried, he would have never had a good life. People try to comfort me and tell me that everything happens for a reason. I even use to say that all the time to people. But I think differently now. I believe that some things happen for no reason at all. They just happen.

I was having a conversation with someone a few weeks ago and I said something that had nothing to do with Jensen. I can't remember the exact details and they're not important...but anyway, her responce made it obvious that she believed I was talking about him.
I complained to my mom later that night that I didn't want this incident to define who I am. I don't want to be "The Woman Who had a Stillborn". My mom told me not to worry, that in a year no one will think that.
I knew what she meant...no one would remember. It never occured to me that when people start to forget what happened to me then they forget about Jensen. The two things go hand-in-hand.
A few days ago I was having a conversation with a woman and all of a sudden she broke down over the loss of a family member. I am not the greatest at comforting people or accepting comfort for that matter. I didn't stand to give her a hug or anything like that. I thought that if I share my story she might not feel so alone. I didn't know how to introduce the topic so I just blurted it out, "I just lost my baby." She stopped crying and looked right at me. And the pity fell on me again. Damn it! That's not what I wanted. I don't want people's pity...I just want them to remember that Jensen was real. I may have been the only one who ever held him while he was alive or felt him move, but he was real. He IS real.